For those struggling with conceiving.. don't give up hope.**Disclaimer** I don't wish to make ANYONE feel hurt by this post because I know that there are SO many couples out there that had/are having a much harder time then we did conceiving. I just want to document this mostly for myself & for those who may be in a similar situation.Our journey began July 25, 2008. We decided from the beginning that I wouldn't be on birth control & that we would just see what happened - leave it in God's hands. Little did we know, we would have to put our faith in God's plan more that we expected.
After over two years of no pregnancies, no scares, we started to wonder why..
The rest of the story is told through excerpts from my journal.
November 2, 2010"A week ago I went to see a new doctor at the Circle of Life Women's Center. She did an ultrasound on my uterus to see if everything was looking right, everything seemed normal. She seemed very surprised that Tyler & I had been married for over 2 years & that I have never been on birth control & have not become pregnant. She advised that Tyler get tested to see if perhaps the problem involves him before they run any painful tests on me. She also prescribed me Clomid which is suppose to help with fertility."
**6 months later**"On Thursday, I went to my fertility doc, for my monthly follicle check. I also got the results from Tyler's test. It came back pretty normal - good news. She told me we would be great candidates for an IUI procedure. (Intrauterine Insemination) We will probably try it next month if we don't have any luck.
I wish sometimes that I could know when and how God wants us to have kids. But I know that's not how life works & it's perfect like that. I am grateful for what I am already blessed with & I just need to look forward with faith."
"Well January came and went with no luck... I will admit that an extremely hard part of this whole process is the unknown, the guessing, the hoping, the heart breaking news each month. But also that it seems everyone around me has such an easy time becoming pregnant. I can't wait for that month that that person is me.
...A couple weeks ago I read about a girl Tyler was friends with in HS, she explained that after a year and a half of trying to get pregnant they decided to look into adoption. This kind of got my mind reeling - thinking we were in the same situation (only at this point it had been almost 3 years). I was thinking that I may never become pregnant - that I will never experience my baby inside of me, feel them move or kick - I may never experience the doctors appointments with Tyler by my side, gleaming when we hear the babies' heartbeat for the first time, seeing their tiny hands and feet growing and developing inside of me. But I can't think like that. I have to be positive and to remember that God has a plan for each one of us and that whatever we experience is for our benefit and for our own spiritual growth. Whether it's what we've always pictured our life to be like or if it's the complete opposite. All we can do is trust in the Lord and know that He knows what is best for us."
**3 months later**"Tyler switched companies so we are without health insurance for 90 days. In the meantime, we've had to pay everything out of pocket as far as the infertility treatments. We have done two IUI procedures which have not been successful. We are spending around $700 a month on treatments & it's taking it's toll when this is money we have no idea if it will help or not. We decided I should take a break from the fertility drugs and seeing my doctor monthly. My doc recommended Tyler see a urologist before we keep spending copious amounts of money on treatments.
I feel like my life is on hiatus right now. I feel like I am wasting so much time and energy and am not seeing any results from it. We have been trying for so long with no success that it seems like it will never happen and that I should be focusing on other things."
**3 months later**"Tyler went to see a urologist & luckily I was there with him because he passed out in the room. I was scared to death because I thought he was having a seizure or something. The doc reassured me that he was completely fine. When he came to he told us that because this happened it explained to him what may be our problem. Tyler has something called a
Vasovagal Response. He said that if Tyler is stressed or anxious or worried that he can trigger it & that it can pertain to reproduction systems.
Tyler came home last night and told me that his friend's wife was expecting. I couldn't even respond because I was so disappointed. I felt so sad, angry, frustrated, heartbroken, ashamed and discouraged. I couldn't even muster up one ounce of happiness to feel for them. This is so wrong for me to feel this way and it is no doubt un-Christlike. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I can't control when it happens for us. I have amazing friends who talked to me and gave me advice. I just need to remember always that someday I will have children and that God has a specific plan for me."
I was so upset for the next two months that I didn't want anything to do with trying to get pregnant. I was SO miserable & finally told myself that the only way this situation was going to turn around was if I changed my attitude about it. It was my choice how I viewed this situation my life had fallen into. I told Tyler that I didn't want to stress about it anymore, I was so sick & tired of the continuing heartbreak I was feeling month after month. It was taking such a toll on me emotionally. I wanted to just have an amazing relationship with my husband - I think this is the way Tyler always wished the situation to be like. It took the stress out of all of it & in the end I think that may have been our answer.
**2 months later**"Karli & Chase are married! The sealing ceremony was amazing. The sealer said some very cool things & everyone felt the spirit so strong. Tyler & I particularly remembered when he spoke about the people who had gathered to witness this sealing not only on Earth, but those on the other side of the veil. He started to talk about some of those spirits were future children. Then he spoke about the fact that they may not come through biological birth but that they may come through adoption. He emphasized that either way they are your children & are sealed to you and that this was pre-determined before this life. We couldn't help but think that he was speaking to us. Laura & my Mom both mentioned the same thing after the ceremony. It's harder for me to accept that we may only be adopting - but of course that isn't a for sure thing yet."
**4 days later**"A few days ago we found out that I am pregnant! It's kinda a funny story...
I originally took the first test about a week ago. I looked at it and was immediately disappointed. I thought the positive sign was supposed to be two DARK pink lines and on my test one of the lines was extremely light pink. So- I threw it in the trash & texted Tyler to tell him it was negative. (Later found out that he threw his phone at the ground when he read it because he was of course so disappointed & so frustrated). A few days passed & I was looking at a friend's blog reading her pregnancy announcement. She showed a photo of her positive test & I looked at it & immediately my jaw dropped - it looked identical to my test! I ran to the bathroom & dug it out of the trash - I could not believe it!! I told Tyler the news that night just before bed by hiding the test in my reading glasses case & scaring the crap out of him - I told him I had caught something earlier that day and that I needed his advice on what he thought it was. (He is thinking it's a snake or something) Needless to say, when he saw what it really was he was ecstatic! It was an unbelievable moment - so hard to put into words all the feelings! It was so amazing to see how incredibly excited Tyler is to be a Daddy - he will be such an amazing father I have no doubt in my mind.
I am so grateful for this tremendous blessing! I feel so blessed and I know this miracle wouldn't be possible without the grace of God. He has trusted me enough to allow me to go through this journey of pregnancy & birth & I am so thankful - more than my words can express. I am so excited for what lies ahead!"
**2 weeks later**"Well we had our first appointment yesterday and Tyler was able to come. Dr. Alejo did an ultrasound and we saw the heartbeat! It was so neat & crazy to imagine this tiny baby growing inside of me. I feel so special!
We told our immediate family the news on Sunday and it was just awesome. I was so excited to tell them that I was nervous! Everyone was so happy. Tyler's Mom screamed & his Dad was shocked I think. My parents of course were thrilled as well and my Dad got a little teary (he wanted this for me almost as much as I did - he had given me a blessing several months prior to comfort me and reassured me that I would have children someday) - he was so excited he called his mother (my grandmother) right away and told her the news. My grandmother then preceded to point out to him that the same exact week that my Great-Grandmother Hazel had passed away is the week that we conceived. We joked that Hazel probably got to Heaven & told my child to "stop stalling & get down there already" which is probably what really happened! :) But in all honesty I don't feel like it was a coincidence at all - I feel like it was meant to happen that way.
An amazing long life ends & a brand new life begins.
I am so grateful for that."
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